Wednesday 28 December 2016

Men Women Relation

A very, very, very tricky subject to pen one's thoughts on!
And I am no expert. I am not even married yet... for a few to say that how would I know how the dynamics change between a man and a woman after "marriage".
I agree, I may not, but one understands a lot of things by observing, listening and seeing around. My view on this topic is part through experience, and partially through observing the relations around me.
 
Stereotypes: We Love To Indulge In
Women love to shop! Men don't care about this or that! Women are naggers! Men are better at Maths! Men if married will have to say sorry in end!
All such jokes, marriage jokes, relationship jokes - are not funny. 
May be I have a screwed sense of humor. 
I don't enjoy the jokes on men, not on women - none that promote in any convoluted way that women = pink, men = blue, women = dolls, men = star wars, women = poor math skills, men = carefree, women = gossip!
And yet - I have seen some very educated men & women make such statements and it's usually to get the attention in the group.
Majority of women around me are better in maths, they know how to keep the boat going, they don't gossip, they don't nag, and they are not stubborn.
Similarly, majority of men around me are sensitive, they know household chores, they take off from work to adjust baby sitting with their spouse. 
Hence, when someone makes these jokes - I wonder - why the walk back to the caveman mentality! But for some reason - its supposed to be funny /  it's just a "joke" / don't take life too seriously /  we don't really mean that - Don't Make Sense to Me. 
An acquaintance told me that it's sexy to have such elements in a relation as that is what differentiates a man and a woman. She couldn't understand my eye roll till brain.  
Such ideas are like subtle rape jokes, and rape jokes are not funny from any angle. 
Indulgence in such stereotypes is insult to years of good education. 
Don't teach your daughters that they can do anything - as you just killed a lot of their free spirit by equating it to a nagging woman. Don't teach your sons that they can do anything - as you just killed their sensitive side by saying that men are not detail oriented. 
Generalizations don't help anyone, ever. 
Every man, woman is unique and their relation more so. 

Men have to be the bread-earners
In most cases than not, even if the women are working, they expect their "male" partners to be better earning in a relation. I understand this in a marriage where in a women may take up extra chores around the house - like cooking, arranging, maintaining the household more than a man would pick up these same chores... but in a relation where these points even out (yes, I know married couples who even do household work equally) - all the talk about feminism with your girlfriends don't work - if this is what one believes in. 
And it's down right hilarious to put this pressure on a boyfriend when you both have almost the same freedom to chase your careers.  
This also brings us to the fact that most women take a break in the career to focus on babies, or just themselves. While men out of job are frowned upon! "why?" don't they have a right to take it easy in life sometime. If a couple together can sustain finances for sometime, why can't a man take a break from the job if he wishes to! That doesn't make him irresponsible, or lazy or a loser. He is being a human, he is subjected to stress at work too, he most probably has been working all his life and needs to breathe for sometime. 
A well-to-do couple around me had a serious strain in their relation due to this fact. The husband fell out from his job, and it was as though a constant failure on the husband's part to plan things better! Telling them to take it easy doesn't work as they operate on the traditional set up - I take care of house and kids, you should take care of job better. Result: Wife is mostly bitter, the husband guilty, depressed - which further strains the relation and the situation. Telling them to switch roles is seen as a ridiculous idea. In such cases, please don't champion man woman equality - as one is not following it. Feminism is about equality, not putting men down. 
Its OK for men to earn less"er" than you, Its OK for men to take a break from work.

The "One" Romantic Trophy Bearer
Indulging in the same stereotypes, women are supposed to be more romantic. 
But think of one romantic couple that you know of, and mostly it's the man in that relation that would take the lead! and that is why you think of that couple as 'romantic'.
Reality Check: No relation is romantic if only one partner indulges, atleast not for long!
Yet, how do men get this trophy - as women hand it out very generously themselves. 
There's no harm in men holding that trophy, but I have seen in a lot of relations - even the men forget what their wife or girlfriend does. 
Like this friend I know, was gushing over the 'cake with a perfect romantic note' sent by her husband on her birthday while he was overseas. This only led to more romantic things the considerate husband had done for her. The husband was all the time sitting and basking in the glory of all "ooh" "aahs" "awww". Fair enough. The same couple has another evening on the same topic - and by chance am present there again! I know my friend apart from providing romantic touches in the relation now and then, has gifted her husband his fav. golf set, his fav. stereo system, the mobile and much more. My comment of mentioning how lucky they are to find each other as my friend had gifted so and so and so to him so lovingly only brought the attention to her for the first time in all the years I have known them.
My act of balancing the scale was only known to me, I don't think even the couple realized it. But in retrospect its important. In reverse, if as a female you are known for keeping the romance alive - notice clearly - your partner would be doing something for you to keep going. One needs to notice those details and acknowledge. 
Romanticism is a trophy held by both - by the couple, or after some time - that's a title no longer associated with the relation.

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