Men Women Relation

A very, very, very tricky subject to pen one's thoughts on!

And I am no expert. I am not even married yet... for a few to say that how would I know how the dynamics change between a man and a woman after "marriage".

I agree, I may not, but one understands a lot of things by observing, listening and seeing around. My view on this topic is part through experience, and partially through observing the relations around me.

 

Stereotypes: We Love To Indulge In

Women love to shop! Men don't care about this or that! Women are naggers! Men are better at Maths! Men if married will have to say sorry in end!

All such jokes, marriage jokes, relationship jokes - are not funny. 

May be I have a screwed sense of humor. 

I don't enjoy the jokes on men, not on women - none that promote in any convoluted way that women = pink, men = blue, women = dolls, men = star wars, women = poor math skills, men = carefree, women = gossip!

And yet - I have seen some very educated men & women make such statements and it's usually to get the attention in the group.

Majority of women around me are better in maths, they know how to keep the boat going, they don't gossip, they don't nag, and they are not stubborn.

Similarly, majority of men around me are sensitive, they know household chores, they take off from work to adjust baby sitting with their spouse. 

Hence, when someone makes these jokes - I wonder - why the walk back to the caveman mentality! But for some reason - its supposed to be funny /  it's just a "joke" / don't take life too seriously /  we don't really mean that - Don't Make Sense to Me. 

An acquaintance told me that it's sexy to have such elements in a relation as that is what differentiates a man and a woman. She couldn't understand my eye roll till brain.  

Such ideas are like subtle rape jokes, and rape jokes are not funny from any angle. 

Indulgence in such stereotypes is insult to years of good education. 

Don't teach your daughters that they can do anything - as you just killed a lot of their free spirit by equating it to a nagging woman. Don't teach your sons that they can do anything - as you just killed their sensitive side by saying that men are not detail oriented. 

Generalizations don't help anyone, ever. 

Every man, woman is unique and their relation more so. 

Men have to be the bread-earners

In most cases than not, even if the women are working, they expect their "male" partners to be better earning in a relation. I understand this in a marriage where in a women may take up extra chores around the house - like cooking, arranging, maintaining the household more than a man would pick up these same chores... but in a relation where these points even out (yes, I know married couples who even do household work equally) - all the talk about feminism with your girlfriends don't work - if this is what one believes in. 

And it's down right hilarious to put this pressure on a boyfriend when you both have almost the same freedom to chase your careers.  

This also brings us to the fact that most women take a break in the career to focus on babies, or just themselves. While men out of job are frowned upon! "why?" don't they have a right to take it easy in life sometime. If a couple together can sustain finances for sometime, why can't a man take a break from the job if he wishes to! That doesn't make him irresponsible, or lazy or a loser. He is being a human, he is subjected to stress at work too, he most probably has been working all his life and needs to breathe for sometime. 

A well-to-do couple around me had a serious strain in their relation due to this fact. The husband fell out from his job, and it was as though a constant failure on the husband's part to plan things better! Telling them to take it easy doesn't work as they operate on the traditional set up - I take care of house and kids, you should take care of job better. Result: Wife is mostly bitter, the husband guilty, depressed - which further strains the relation and the situation. Telling them to switch roles is seen as a ridiculous idea. In such cases, please don't champion man woman equality - as one is not following it. Feminism is about equality, not putting men down. 

Its OK for men to earn less"er" than you, Its OK for men to take a break from work.

The "One" Romantic Trophy Bearer

Indulging in the same stereotypes, women are supposed to be more romantic. 

But think of one romantic couple that you know of, and mostly it's the man in that relation that would take the lead! and that is why you think of that couple as 'romantic'.

Reality Check: No relation is romantic if only one partner indulges, atleast not for long!

Yet, how do men get this trophy - as women hand it out very generously themselves. 

There's no harm in men holding that trophy, but I have seen in a lot of relations - even the men forget what their wife or girlfriend does. 

Like this friend I know, was gushing over the 'cake with a perfect romantic note' sent by her husband on her birthday while he was overseas. This only led to more romantic things the considerate husband had done for her. The husband was all the time sitting and basking in the glory of all "ooh" "aahs" "awww". Fair enough. The same couple has another evening on the same topic - and by chance am present there again! I know my friend apart from providing romantic touches in the relation now and then, has gifted her husband his fav. golf set, his fav. stereo system, the mobile and much more. My comment of mentioning how lucky they are to find each other as my friend had gifted so and so and so to him so lovingly only brought the attention to her for the first time in all the years I have known them.

My act of balancing the scale was only known to me, I don't think even the couple realized it. But in retrospect its important. In reverse, if as a female you are known for keeping the romance alive - notice clearly - your partner would be doing something for you to keep going. One needs to notice those details and acknowledge. 

Romanticism is a trophy held by both - by the couple, or after some time - that's a title no longer associated with the relation.

We, Weight & One Track Mind

We all know this, but its been over a year of my active noticing - that every person (at least around me) engaged daily in minimum one thought or more related to weight! be it their own or others... 

Every Single Day. & its Definitely more than one thought! 

We don't spare a thought for our family for days, or our loved ones, or (weeks) for our best friend who would walk miles in the toughest time for us, but weight - yes, that lovely vain thought catches us every day of our life, and sneaks into our thoughts, and not for good reasons, but mostly critical.
"My hard work seems to be paying off, yes, tomorrow I shall weigh even lesser"
"Damn, I shouldn't have had that beer last night"
"I need to check with my coworker on her diet.. she seems to be losing so rapidly"
"More of protein, quinoa, barley water, not even a drop of butter, no mango, no banana" 
"Calorie control, calorie control...."
and so on...
Even if one is in shape, we don't let ourselves relax, and also not stop ourselves from giving free unsolicited advice to others.

This hit me in the face as I am just back from a yoga retreat (kind of!) and all I got asked even before anyone wished me "Hi, welcome back to the world" was "How Much Did You Lose". My answers like "Quite a few active days that I urgently needed to organize things, but will manage.. blah blah"  or ".... many dollars, or you wanna know in rupees or any other currency" will get a laugh as a response "you know what I mean"

Actually, I don't or want to (esp. when its the first q even before one starts a conversation)
Hey... It wasn't a weight loss camp that I enrolled in!
In fact, told a friend that by asking me that question if she is insisting that I am "obese" enough to enroll for those specialized "Spa-Weight Loss Special Homes". Comes the quick reply "Oh, come on I didn't mean that... was just curious".
I really want to know why are we so obsessed with how many pounds we weigh. I remember my friend in college telling me that she never thought she was like a sack of potatoes as this was one of the first question prospective groom families asked her father "how much your daughter weighs".

How many people do we know who weigh just right!!!
Even the people who are in right range wish to go towards the lower side. Hence, its a never ending fight we have with ourselves, and also subject the same cruelty to the people around us. In Yoga ashram - my body surprised me, I was able to bend it backwards, forwards, sideways, lift it, turn it... may be not as smoothly as other yogis, but quite efficiently to be at average in the class of 50 plus students - many who have spent years practicing yoga. I could cope up! My body could cope up! It didn't ache or cramp or said I can't.. It had its limitations as I have never been part of active physical exercise routine but it didn't give up.

One would think that being a part of Yoga Ashram, on campus one would be saved. Of course not, if there are humans, can weight talk be far behind. "So what diets are you into" "Did you weigh yourself" "We are not getting enough protein here" "How do you balance your carbs and protein" "Have you tried no carb diet" .. were the main conversations in the women dorm. And to say they were all mostly very fit healthy women!
But even with them, they thought it was a sin to let their brain rest on this topic. One couldn't change the diet while on campus, you ate what you got! So it wasn't like - if one didn't talk about protein or flax seeds or barley water or share notes on diets, one would wake up with extra 5 pounds.

This is not a post about embracing all body types. Its about sharing my thoughts on calorie-mania, weight-mania that plagues all our lives. Being conscious of health is good, but obsessing over it after every two hours or so is another. 
I have found my own way to this, as long as one is not out of proportion (we all have a body frame and one knows when one is falling out of one's skin), can see one's toes, can walk a mile / take flight of stairs without panting, can be active physically - I think one is good.
What good it is to be of right weight - when all you talk about is back aches, fainting, high or low BP and swollen feet! Better be 10 pounds over your indicated weight range and be able to trek, run, be active, be energetic.

It is about how we limit ourselves by judging the people the moment we meet by how they look - which is mostly about their "weight" - fat or thin or average, abs or no abs, muscles or no muscles, into fitness or not into fitness - signals that our brain sends us unconsciously. We need to stop them, check them and not let them come into one's mind. This can be a tall order as we are so deeply programmed by the society. But we all need to learn not to be dismissive, or be full of advice or be insulting or think they have some health problem  - just cause they are over weight as per us. This can only be when we learn not to cry out loud appreciatively we see someone with good body 'stats'.
Hence, refraining our selves from always talking about people's bodies, checking & correcting if our respect or liking for the person is mostly rooted in how fit they look. Only when we stop talking, noticing others abs for sometime - do we tell our brain to engage in better thoughts.

As they said in Yoga Ashram - sometimes the journey is from physical to mental to spiritual.
Refrain from engaging in weight related thoughts.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to others.
If one is fit, keep at it, if not - work towards it.
If one is on a diet - keep shut and follow it - not announce, discuss when out eating with others. Politely refuse, pick what you want and move on.
Yes, one can smile and do whatever one feels like - Even EAT - Even eat only lettuce at a feast - without discussing proteins, carbs or calories, and fancy diet names. 
One can digest food easily without commenting on other person's food habits - others having loads of  butter or no butter, others eating only lettuce while you eat your pie, others having just plain water & no food while you twirl the spaghetti on the fork!
Eating and Digesting is an individual task, we need to "learn" not to bother about other adults who can care for themselves.
Not making 'my body' and 'others bodies' a highlight of my life. Making my health my concern. Learning to make my mind 'weight free' - is something am working hard at!